I'm struggling a bit to find my place in this new stage IV cancer world I've been thrust in to.
Whilst I met some amazing fellow young breast cancer people online during and after my primary treatment, I feel like I'm now in a completely different place to them now and it's hard to relate sometimes, no, most of the time.
So many of them are now (and I'm beyond happy for them for this) moving forward with their lives. Figuring out what life post-cancer looks like for them. Creating empires or lives carved out of their experiences. Something I never really got to do and now won't get to do at all. I know I'm a horrible reminder to them that this disease can come back at any moment. And, now I'm over on this side of the I think back to some of my interactions with stage IV people, who I thought I understood, and I was in the same places as, and I cringe. Because nothing could be further from the truth...........
There are some amazing, supportive people on twitter, but it feels like there's a tighter clique online when it comes to stage IV, maybe rightly so, but it's damn hard to break into. Which makes it super hard to find people my own sort of age who are dealing with these same issues. I sure as hell haven't met anyone my age yet IRL, who are where I am. Sheffield is a bit of a void when it comes to meeting people in this situation - it feels like everyone is in London.
But I would love to. I'd love to sit down and chat with someone who's where I am.
I went to a breast cancer care secondaries meet up recently, I'd been warned that it skewed slightly older. And it did. Don't get me wrong, everyone there was super lovely and it was so helpful to chat to other people who know how this feels and are maybe a couple of years ahead of me in treatment terms.
But I felt a bit out of place. I'm not cashing in pensions, or worrying about children, or retiring. And realistically I'm never going to get to do any of those things either. It feels like there's a gulf between me and them!
And even the local group set up for younger women is aged 40 to 60. And I might walk like an old lady these days but I sure as hell don't feel like one! Even 40, which is only a few years off seems so far away from the age I am now! I'm going to try and make some of their get-togethers just to try and build myself a support network here in Sheffield. Unfortunately, the next one is on a chemo week so I won't be able to go, but I'll try for September!
And things have inevitably changed with some of my old, irl, none cancerous friends. I've felt people slipping away. But that's a story for another time.......
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