14 days ago I had my final chemo session.
It feels so strange that the 6 sessions I'd dreaded starting last September, are over! And if I'm honest, what I thought would be a celebration was an anti-climax. My nurses had had a shit day. One chemo patient had a really bad reaction. And they'd left the ward before I had my shoes on so I couldn't thank them properly for the care they'd given me.
Then I was hit hard by the side effects. I felt really sick by 6pm and just wanted my bed. So I sent Jim to play football and I went to sleep. Plus. Let's be honest. Who actually cared that it was my last session but me? So I'm yet to celebrate it. I doubt I actually will. It was such a long time ago now. The bottle of Moet in the fridge can just wait for another event.
So here I am. Post chemo. Having taken my last lot of drugs. Being told left right and centre that I'm done with treatment. That I'm all sorted now. It's over. Mostly I just smile and nod. I don't have the heart to tell people that in a week I have a planning session to start my radiotherapy. That there are 23 sessions of that to go. That the CT scan they'll do at that session terrifies me, because who knows what's going on in my body. That I have no clue how the radiotherapy might affect me.
I'm told I can get back to normal now. But I'm not sure that people grasp that the 'normal' me that went into this with won't be the normal that comes out. That I won't be the same. I won't be normal any more. Not for a while at least.
How can i be? Chemo might be over but the side effects are still going strong;
- I can't straighten my arms without them hurting because of the cording in my veins.
- I can barely make it round the park without stopping. Hell. I can barely make it through the day without a nap. I'm just so tired all the time.
- I forget what I am doing all the time. I forget things I said I'd do. I forget pretty much everything unless I write it down.
- My hair is shit. Really shit. It needs some moisture. And dying. And de-frizzing. It needs to be the 8 inches it longer it was this time last year.
- And my stomach needs to un-bloat after the drugs.
- And I burst in to tears all the time.
- And I need to reassess how I'm spending my life.
- Oh and lose the weight I've put on during chemo before I start taking a drug, for 5 years, that is known to make you gain weight. The joy!
So no. I don't think I can get 'back to normal' just yet. I'm going to try my hardest but it might not be as easy as everyone thinks it will be!
And if any of you have been wondering what it's like to have chemo - I made this video for Instagram a while back. I haven't shared it here but maybe it's time?
And if any of you have been wondering what it's like to have chemo - I made this video for Instagram a while back. I haven't shared it here but maybe it's time?
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